“It’s funny because it’s not me” February 11, 2008

Pioneer woman was giving away a Wii to a random poster of an embarrassing story. If you need a laugh, check out a few of these stories: post with comments here. There seem to be a lot of falling, pants wetting, bodily function accidents, and unintentional exposures. Maybe if she had more male readers there would be more drunken mistakes, sporting screw ups and America’s Funniest Home Video style falling on the fence stories?

[Edited to add: I didn't see this post until after the contest was over, so although there are several stories from people with my name none of those are my story!]

Kinda crunchy, but not New Age February 7, 2008

Yeah, so we are prepping for that whole natural child birth thing. No drugs. Meeting with a doula for some hypnobirthing training this Saturday. Reading lots of Ina May.

That said, we are not really the essential oil/goddess/these aren’t contractions they’re "rushes" type. So instead of touchy-feely affirmations, I think I will just blow this up to use as my focal point:

And one final, last minute reminder for anyone who has forgotten to order flowers, purchase a card, or start blowing up the balloons: tomorrow is my birthday. The big 3-4. And I do not mind at all, because:

I know he means well February 5, 2008

Saw Juno this weekend (very good–liked this more than Waitress or Knocked Up, of the recent spate of unexpected pregnancy movies).

Heaved myself up after the movie and toddled off to the restroom (of course), past a group of high school (college?) age looking girls.

Came out and said to G: "They looked at my like I was their "cautionary whale" [movie reference]."

G’s response? "Well, I really like whales, they are cool!"

A good month for holidays February 4, 2008

In case you need reminding…February is an excellent month for a holiday to shower a lovely person with flowers and gifts.

No, not Valentine’s Day.

An excellent month for a holiday to honor the good examples among us.

No, not President’s Day.

An excellent month for a holiday where I bring everyone at work donuts?

That’s it! Friday is my birthday Just in case anyone reading this was about to forget.

Testing February 1, 2008

This is a multiple choice test. There may or may not be right answers, but you will be graded and judged.

1a. Wear "below the belly" maternity pants that are comfy, but fall down constantly.
1b. Wear "above the belly" maternity pants that stay up, but cause itchy, pink band to appear across belly and also ride so high in the back that they cause horrible 80s flashbacks.

2a. At five weeks postpartum, fly across country (6 hours) with 4 year old (who will have to miss school and gets sleep issues with three timezone changes) and 5 week old (in lap for those 6 hours) and stay in hotel for 7 – 10 days. Attend wedding with two kids. See friends.
2b. At five weeks postpartum, stay home alone with 4 year old (who will need to be driven to preschool every day) and 5 week old as husband flies cross country to attend wedding kid free and see friends.

3a. Drink lots of water all day. Wake up in middle of night to use bathroom.
3b. Cut back on water before bed. Wake up in middle of night because sooooo thirsty.

4. Select the correct response when the gym attendant checking you in says "Wow, looks like you are ready to go!" [Multiple correct answers possible.]
   a. Self-deprecating: "Be careful what you say, or I may sit on you."
   b. Sarcastic: "Yep, I’m actually in labor right now, but figured I would stop by for a Spinning class before the contractions get really challenging."
   c. Self-defeating: Say nothing, but buy Ben & Jerry’s on the way home.
   d. Insensitive: "I hope not–the doctor said a few more weeks of chemo and this should go into remission."
   e. Humorous: "Yep, better hand me an extra towel in case my water breaks in the weight room!"
   f. Humiliating: Say nothing, but later force husband to repeat how good you are looking, how you are indeed the perfect pregnant person, and all the ways in which other people are stupid.
   g. Vindictive: Say nothing, but silently pray she gets shoulder to knee stretchmarks when she gets pregnant.
   h. Honest: "Nope. Nine more weeks. Thanks though, b*tch."
   i.  Empowering: Say nothing, but stay on elliptical machine for an extra 15 minutes.
   j.  Realistic: Grimace. Feel embarrassed. Remind self unsuccessfully that everyone’s mental picture of a pregnant person is around the 25 week mark, and most are unprepared to see the later stage in all its…"glory". Go about workout and day, knowing that overreacting now will not set self up well for nine more weeks of the same comments.

5a. Spend lots of money buying new clothes that fit better for final stretch of pregnancy. Still look hugely pregnant.
5b. Wear same old maternity clothes for final stretch of pregnancy, saving money but worrying about exposing white expanse of skin. Still look hugely pregnant.