Jaded Optimist

Mothering, making, and generally blathering on

Testing February 1, 2008

Filed under: Personal — bonniep @ 5:19 pm

This is a multiple choice test. There may or may not be right answers, but you will be graded and judged.

1a. Wear "below the belly" maternity pants that are comfy, but fall down constantly.
1b. Wear "above the belly" maternity pants that stay up, but cause itchy, pink band to appear across belly and also ride so high in the back that they cause horrible 80s flashbacks.

2a. At five weeks postpartum, fly across country (6 hours) with 4 year old (who will have to miss school and gets sleep issues with three timezone changes) and 5 week old (in lap for those 6 hours) and stay in hotel for 7 – 10 days. Attend wedding with two kids. See friends.
2b. At five weeks postpartum, stay home alone with 4 year old (who will need to be driven to preschool every day) and 5 week old as husband flies cross country to attend wedding kid free and see friends.

3a. Drink lots of water all day. Wake up in middle of night to use bathroom.
3b. Cut back on water before bed. Wake up in middle of night because sooooo thirsty.

4. Select the correct response when the gym attendant checking you in says "Wow, looks like you are ready to go!" [Multiple correct answers possible.]
   a. Self-deprecating: "Be careful what you say, or I may sit on you."
   b. Sarcastic: "Yep, I’m actually in labor right now, but figured I would stop by for a Spinning class before the contractions get really challenging."
   c. Self-defeating: Say nothing, but buy Ben & Jerry’s on the way home.
   d. Insensitive: "I hope not–the doctor said a few more weeks of chemo and this should go into remission."
   e. Humorous: "Yep, better hand me an extra towel in case my water breaks in the weight room!"
   f. Humiliating: Say nothing, but later force husband to repeat how good you are looking, how you are indeed the perfect pregnant person, and all the ways in which other people are stupid.
   g. Vindictive: Say nothing, but silently pray she gets shoulder to knee stretchmarks when she gets pregnant.
   h. Honest: "Nope. Nine more weeks. Thanks though, b*tch."
   i.  Empowering: Say nothing, but stay on elliptical machine for an extra 15 minutes.
   j.  Realistic: Grimace. Feel embarrassed. Remind self unsuccessfully that everyone’s mental picture of a pregnant person is around the 25 week mark, and most are unprepared to see the later stage in all its…"glory". Go about workout and day, knowing that overreacting now will not set self up well for nine more weeks of the same comments.

5a. Spend lots of money buying new clothes that fit better for final stretch of pregnancy. Still look hugely pregnant.
5b. Wear same old maternity clothes for final stretch of pregnancy, saving money but worrying about exposing white expanse of skin. Still look hugely pregnant.

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